Some people think it’s cute when kids say things like “wediculous” instead of “ridiculous”. Not me. There’s nothing cute about being retarded, people.
Anyway, this post isn’t about the little brutes, it’s about wedding planning and how stupid it is. The thing is, I want to have a wedding; it’s like the Olympic games for normal people, only you pay to win the gold. So, yeah, it’s like the Olympic games for normal people (zing!, Olympic committee). You probably know that girls are pretty competitive creatures. Like when the hubs-to-be mentioned how soft the toilet paper was at a friend’s house, I knew what was up. There is no innocence in buying soft toilet paper, you’re trying to show someone up, somewhere. Fact. So, I went out and bought the softest toilet paper there is; made of angel tears and unicorn tails and whatever things are equivalent to mythological sateen. Let’s just say, I showed her.
That being said, a wedding is like the ultimate crazy showdown with one bride outdoing another and I have literally been Martha Stewart’s bitch trying to be up there with Kate and Will or Chelsea Clinton and what’s-his-name. Yeah, I’m trying to match million dollar weddings on a $10k or less budget. Get some.
So I’ve been putting together some ideas and I feel like I can share them with you without giving too much of the wedding ‘feel’ away.
How adorable is this, right? The Little Mermaid is probably one of my top five favorite childhood movies so to be able to recreate it as my cake topper, hubs and I, as mer-mice, united in holy unity forever… You can’t write that kind of magic, folks. The only problem is, I’m not sure how it’s going to look on my
life-size cake replica of me on my wedding day (because nothing could be better than two of me on my own wedding day). Talk about something that will leave an impression on your guests; everyone will remember your awesome wedding cake. The only downside is your cake could end up looking better than you.
The other thing I need to figure out is my wedding photography. I mean, these pictures are going to be around forever, blown up to ridiculous proportions and hung on every wall of my double-wide so clearly I want them to look good. I came across your typical ‘everyone jumping in the air at once’ photos and the ‘bride holding up a mustache on a stick’, but I want mine to really pop.
Nothing pops more than your vagina, I always say. Always flash discreetly and, of course, on special occasions. There is nothing sweeter than an intimate moment like this shared between husband and wife, caught on film forever. Then again, how am I supposed to get this same feel with a group photo?
Well, now I’ve made up my mind about jeans or shorts for the groomsmen.
Please send any suggestions my way; planning a wedding is hard, especially if you’re trying to keep it classy and personal.