So, while you lackeys slave away at your crap jobs for pesos or wampum or whatever it is you poor folk make, I get paid to play video games (sometimes).






Much like any job, no matter how good, there is always something to complain about. In said video games, I have noticed there is an enormous amount of help if you’re unable to complete a level after multiple attempts. In Donkey Kong, a fat, nerdy pig lets you know a gorilla will complete the level for you, allowing you to move on to the next level. Similarly, in Super Mario Brothers, a Super Guide (who comes out of a green box with an exclamation point and looks a lot like Luigi; good effort, Nintendo) does the same thing, but also gives you the option to try again yourself after it shows you exactly how to complete it.

What the hell, Nintendo? Where were you when I was playing frustrating 8-bit Mario games? Where were you when I played Ninja Gaiden? Where were you in real life to help me avoid turning into a complete nerd?

Ahem, in any case, the boy I nanny no longer understands the concept of if you can’t do it yourself, you don’t move on. “Just use the pig,” he says, when we’re stuck on a level. Indignantly, I always protest: “No! We didn’t have helper pigs when I was growing up! If you didn’t beat a level, you didn’t beat a level.”

Over ten years later, I still haven’t beat the original Ninja Gaiden and I’ll be damned if some stupid pig or “Super Guide” is going to help.


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