There’s so much going on in the news these days, but it’s all so inconsequential for the most part that my eyes start to glaze over after a while. I mean, there’s only so much war and bankruptcy talk you can hear before you’re like, “alright already, so we’re broke and we hate terrorists. Big whoop, wanna fight about it?” There was one thing, however, that was a real eye opener. It’s kind of an old piece so bear with me, but it’s big. I mean huge.

The Minnesota Planetarium Society, taking a break from knocking up their cousins this year, added a new zodiac sign, Ophiuchus. I’ll give you a minute to let this soak in. This affects pretty much all of you, but what I really care about is that it affects me, being previously a Capricorn and super reliant on the mystic truths of the horoscope*. Thanks, Minnesota Planetarium Society, for taking a dump on my life. Because, really, what’s more meaningful than your daily horoscope?

So this Ophiuchus sign has pushed me from a Capricorn to a Sagittarius, thus changing me from a goat to an archer. In that regard it makes sense, because if there’s anything I pride myself on it’s my non-goat-like features and athletic agility (litheness, if you will). However, I’m really worried about the implications this change will have on my personality. I’ve always been pretty true to the Capricorn description (stubborn, smart, awesome), but being a Sagittarius means I’m going to be “energetic yet pensive, frequently seeking the answers to life’s big questions, extroverted and enjoying the company of others, thriving in a constantly changing world.” I don’t think I have the kind of time, Minnesota Planetarium Society, it takes to be simultaneously energetic and pensive and, also, I hate people. Moreover, I already know the answer to life’s biggest question: 42. So suck it, MPS.

We’ve endured enough ridiculous changes from the dillholes in power, America, and now’s the time to take a stance. You need to write your Congressmen and boycott your local paper if they’re buying into this half-baked 13 signs crap. We don’t want your crackpot news if you’re not going to give it to us straight with our horoscopes, “news” reporters.

* I don’t care what NPR/FOX/CNN/BBC/MSN etc. have to say; if your horoscope says something otherwise, it’s obviously true. It’s science.


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