While I’m on a roll revealing my shortcomings and oddities, I have an unhealthy relationship with Amazon.com. Moreover, I unfairly hold Amazon up to ridiculous standards of product availability that not only cause me to scorn them harshly when they fail, but confound me to new depths of unfathomable confusion and panicky discombobulation.

The other day I was searching for my long enough coveted Party Down “Follow your dreams to the max. Amen” stallion mug. I did find it on CafePress, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to part with my hard earned $20 wam just yet. Not if Amazon had anything to do with it. Amazon didn’t have anything to do with it.

I quickly composed myself because I was at work (yeah, I know), and conducted some safe searches to ensure Amazon was working properly. For your and my records, Amazon does carry my most favorite David Sedaris books, one of my favorite games, Boggle, lion masks, fur coats, card shufflers, playgrounds, TV’s, and Felix the Cat clocks. I carefully retyped my Party Down stallion mug query into the almighty Amazon search bar and held my breath. The dreaded and inconceivable phrase resulted: Your _____ search did not match any products.

Frantically I searched for other items and there was nothing else I couldn’t find. Amazon.com literally defies the age-old cliche and sells kitchen sinks.

I H8 U, Amazon.



  1. Jason Andrew Smith

    Search for the term Maggie, Gaga, Fake Pink Polka Dot Eyelashes and of course the always popular Toupee and you will find so many things that can be placed on your AmEx via Amazon.com HOW can you be disappointed? My money is on the lashes.

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