IN YO FACE

Since there has been all this hubbub about 3D TVs, I decided to check it out. The H2B (hubs-to-be, as he will forwardly be known) and I were in the market for a newfangled TV so we mosied over to the TV store to check them out. Set off to the side in a mini living room type setup was a 3D TV, complete with glasses (covered in hard plastic and tied down to a podium; the freaking Mona Lisa of 3D glasses), so I parked my tiny self on the tiny couch and watched it.

Remember old 3D movies with the chintzy paper 3D “glasses”? The images actually shot out at you and it made the movie fun. Not this 3D TV. It was on some sports network and the only thing I noticed about it was that the network emblem “stood out” more. It kind of looked like it popped off of the screen. A little. If I looked really hard. Is that it, America?! We’re shelling out big bucks for a little bit of extra dimension? I want my money’s worth and this just isn’t cutting it.

If you had parents that loved you, you’ve been to Disney World/Land. And if you’ve been there, and they really thought you were just aces, they would have taken you to the Honey I Shrunk the Audience ride/whatever. That movie was the bee’s knees and seeing it in 3D (4D, technically) was like the bee’s knees in the cat’s pajamas. I don’t remember graduating from college or falling in love, but you bet your butt I remember Honey I Shrunk the Audience.

The problem with you, America, is that you think that kind of 3D is fake and hokey so you shove your head up your backside and try to tell yourself that the new 3D is where it’s at; it’s classy, with its subtly added dimension. Well, you’re wrong and I’ll be damned if you’re gonna sell me on your smuggy 3D baloney.

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